How to navigate this space without being distracted is proving to be quite difficult. What space you might ask. Well, the space between my thoughts and my feelings. There it is. The place I love to dwell, the place I wish to converse with others, the place where mysteries are solved, theories are debated, and psychology is snack food.
I’m not the first to be here and certainly not the first to contemplate the gap, however, I am here and fighting. I want to be smart and make sound decisions, ones that will protect my best interests and keep me on the right path. Here we go- what path? to where?
Yet, my heart speaks louder than my mind. It rallies in protest and weeps in defeat all while desiring to rise in revolution. Lenny had it right when he said “Let Love Rule” and I sure wish I could. Love is dangerous though. Love is costly and wildly risky. I love yet do so in silence even though I recently wrote and spoke about loving openly and freely-I think I meant that in a broad sense.
Loving intimately is contrasty different. It requires allowing vulnerabilities to surface and weaknesses to be revealed. Loving intimately requires trust and that is something I have none of. How is trust born? How does it come into a relationship? I cannot for the life of me fathom such a thing. I fear I may never trust anyone, no one, not ever, never.
So what then is this love that I am trying to speak of? Who am I endeavoring to be intimately in love with yet at a distance? Can I say I love you yet stand far enough away to not get hurt? That’s what I want. That’s what I’m doing. Yeah, that’s me right now.
God for one is someone I love but feel the need to be a safe distance from. I have a hard time confessing this affection with my heart, yet, my head knows of the fact. So, is it still love? Oh the way this space between my head and heart confuses and stifles my growth. Here’s another thought- what if I choose to embrace intimate love and get hurt, will it forever scar me and prevent me from loving again? Is there any way to be safe in love?
I know He says he will never leave me nor forsake me and though my head knows this as fact, my heart felt broken and abandoned when my life came crashing down. Why do I cling to this? Am I trying to give Satan his due by allowing myself to hold this fear like a treasure? It sure seems that way.
Jump to loving a person. Do I feel the same fear with people? Well, in a sense, yes I do. I feel like love has its own mind and wants to express itself without my permission. I have been holding back “I love You’s” for some time. Once many months ago and now once again. It’s hella scary to admit you have loving feelings for someone. So, like with God, I just accept it as a fact in my mind and keep it behind my teeth unspoken.
It is what it is and until I can navigate this path, I will just leave this here as a declaration of love in its existence. That’s it. Like a matter of fact. End of story.