It took a ride on an experimental roller coaster for me to figure out that I need to modify the type of adventure I seek. I walked into 2020 confident about my motives, unsure about the execution, and curious about the outcome of all that I set out to achieve. Not only did Covid shut down much of 2020, after trial and error, I had to shut down much of my own personal experiments. Let me explain.
I’m referring to personal choices of 2020 as “experiments” because I tried something new, tried to navigate through it, didn’t like it, and ended up shutting it down. Then I tried again but the same process happened. It became a pattern which I then observed as a greater experiment. This took me straight to the end of December. As I sit here on January 3rd of 2021 looking back over the last year trying to analyze the sum of all of my actions I realize something I hadn’t before. I’m not ready for the roller coaster yet.
I was hooked on the exhilaration of the ride but not ready for the maintenance of the equipment. I tried everything I knew to keep it moving and keep it fun but I discovered that I have no idea how to keep it functioning properly. Eventually equipment needs deep servicing and that’s what I need as well. I can’t keep riding wild roller coasters without taking care of the deep inner workings of my heart and soul.
It’s been a week so far that I’ve been silent. Sitting for hours in silence listening to my inner workings. I’ve randomly watched documentaries and movies and just letting the messages seep into my mind. I know this sounds weird and all but this is honestly the way I process life. Our physical bodies are designed to filter out toxins and I believe our minds can as well.
I don’t have the answers today. I am not even trying to find them right now. I do know that I am not ready to ride any rides, go on any adventures or seek any type of sensory satisfaction. I am going to do some deep work on my inner self. I don’t know exactly what that means yet as I have no itinerary.
This post serves as a launch pad to document my progress over 2021. Last year it was to create a poetry space and I did. I know that I will achieve whatever I set my mind to do. This year I am silencing the outside chatter, putting away the credit cards, not making any resolutions, and walking through the amusement park with a tool box in my hand.
I want the thrill of the ride, believe me I do, but I don’t want to find myself on a ride that is broken while I am in the middle of enjoying it. I don’t know how long it will take. I don’t know what I will find. I don’t know if I am able to fix what might be broken. Maybe nothing is broken and maintenance is all I need.
This year I will be requiring tickets to access the park. Admission is not free and there are requirements to get in and for each ride. For some, it will be simply to walk with me, for others it will be to do some work, and yet for some or one it will be to ride the rides with me when they are ready. I learned that not everyone is entitled nor should everyone have access to this amusement park.
I look forward to whatever will be in 2021.