It’s been four months since I last wrote so it’s time for an update. Everything has been going as planned and I am thrilled about it. I can’t remember what clever way I described what I had been through in 2020 but I remember saying I was entering 2021 as if walking through the amusement park with a toolbox in order to maintenance the rides, so-to-speak. I believe that meant doing inner work on myself in order to not breakdown or make the same mistakes of the past, in the future.
I haven’t really done anything to write about. I haven’t enrolled in any programs, taken any courses, seen any doctors or therapists- nothing. I have just been sitting in my own space with myself. Some days I have watched endless Netflix, some days I organized my storage spaces in my apartment, some days I just sat in the silence. Many times I went to bed early and stayed in bed until the next day. I don’t fight it. I figure my body needs the rest. I listened to the aches and pains in my body and changed things to aide their recovery. I removed anything from eyesight that brought negative thoughts or memories from the last year. I bought plants and continually buy flowers. I let my nails heal from the damage of acryllic nails and now my own nails are healthy and polished by me and look just fine.
There is one big change that has happened. I now love to cook. I believe that by taking these steps to love myself better, I realized how important it is to feed myself right. By right I mean, healthy for me. This has taken some work though. I had such messed up thinking about food from years of psychological trauma regarding food that I had to reprogram my brain. Once I did, I realized that by creating recipes and preparing the meals for myself, I was actually loving myself. It is strange to me to walk through the store and select not the cheapest items, not the least fat items, not the zero carb items, not the vegan items or the keto items but the ingredients I need for the recipes I create. I taught myself to buy the food I want for the sake of loving and nurturing my body with goodness. I seriously stood in front of the meat section, held a steak in my hand looking at the price $14 and had to tell myself it was okay to buy it for myself. I had to tell myself I was worth it. Now I don’t even look at the prices. I just get what I need and do not think about the price. What a difference!!!
It seems the more I write the more I realize I have something to say.
I have also been restoring my relationship with God on my terms, meaning not according to anyone else’s expectations or rules of faith. And quite honestly, it is refreshing! I have been praying again and it’s good for me. I’ll leave it at that for now.
Two things left to touch upon and this blog post will be finished. Black Lives Mattering and the vaccine have been hard hitting in 2021, as separate topics of course. I am not an advocate of vaccines by any length. I do not get the flu shot, and wouldn’t get any shots if some form of government didn’t require it. My health insurance will lower my monthly rates if I do whatever they tell me, so I had to get the shingles vaccine. The government says I can’t travel without the covid vaccine and I sure don’t want to be grounded forever. So as much as I did not want to get whatever poison they put in my arms, I got the shots. Just yesterday the CDC announced that anyone who is fully vaccinated for Covid can now go outside without a mask. Just think about that for a minute. This is 2021 and this is what is happening. WOW. Just crazy stuff.
My whole heart aches and weeps and is torn up by the extreme violence against Black Americans in the United States. I am stunned by the opinions of people I know who do not seem to understand the hate they are speaking when they defend the oppressors. I have lost respect for people I know, have asked customers to leave the store for their disrespect of Black Lives lost to police violence, have reached out and helped where I can, and have loved where there is a need. To be honest, I am surrounded by people who do not feel as I do and it is sad and scary. To think that one human does not value the life of another human and thinks it’s justifiable that other human lives have been taken by force- is just sickening. I cannot speak on this anymore. I see you and I have lost respect for you. We are not the same.
Overall, the last four months have been beneficial to my healing, growth, and understanding of myself and my life choices. I know me a little better now. As the pandemic in America slowly gets better and people slowly get back to life outdoors and everywhere else, I plan on staying home. People are fed up with the isolation they’ve experienced, they’re tired of being home, they have lots of energy to get out and have a good time. You can see these people on the roads and in the stores and everywhere -in a hurry and impatient. I don’t want to be around those people. I have been working with the public through the entire pandemic and I could use some therapeutic isolation. I am loving it so far. Today I did some research on traveling outside of the US and it is not possible. The pandemic is global and it is not getting better in other countries. I wanted to travel to a remote location, somewhere tropical, but it seems as that won’t happen in 2021. It’s okay with me. I will find things to keep me well. Plus, I have my children in my life and things are great with us.
Life is good.