Lori Minutoli

Last night I was cleaning and organizing photo albums from my entire life. Many albums had fallen apart so I was putting the pictures into new albums. I came across so many memories that I was crying and laughing at the same time and occasionally sent snapshots to my kids. Those photos showed me a beautiful life.

This morning I decided to own my entirety. I designed business cards for myself which include my contact info, my website, Pawtucket Poetry information, and my picture. This is a first for me because I tend to keep my circles of friends separate-people of faith apart from poetry people, contacts from the past separate from my most recent contacts. It has been an identity crisis for me. Today that came to an end.

It’s perfect timing as today is the last day of my 52nd year of life. The struggle ends today.

I joined a woman’s bible study group a couple of weeks ago and it is wonderful to be connected with “my people.” In the past that would have meant “Christians” but now it means women who’ve walked the same streets as I have, who’ve suffered and endured the same hardships, and who’ve found a reason to seek Jesus without compromising their individuality and without erasing their identities.

The thing about these women, that’s different from every bible study group I have ever attended, is that they do not judge!!! This is a monumental, foundational expectation for me. Yes, that means the importance of this is huge yet it is the basis of everything I stand on. In my life experiences I have found that people who love people don’t love Jesus and people that love Jesus don’t really love people because they judge them.

I’m excited already after the first week’s study of Sarah. I’ve always known her story but never have I ever considered it the way I do now. You see, God gave them (Abraham and Sarah) a promise that they would be parents of a nation yet in their old age they had not yet conceived a child. They laughed at the voice of God and took matters into their own hands. They suffered because of their own doings. Here’s the kicker- God knew they would and he still had a plan to make his promise come true. God forgave their shortcomings, and still used them to fulfill his purpose for them.

This lesson showed me that God is not finished with me yet. I, like Sarah, took matters into my own hands and suffered as well. Recently, as in about 5 years ago, I felt like I had failed God in the worst possible way. I couldn’t stand myself for the choices I had made in life. Slowly, I worked through the damage and worked at rebuilding my… well, my entire existence until I got to the point I’m at now.

I like who I am. I think I am the best version of me there has ever been. I’ve accomplished great things and now, well, now I’m ready for something more. Now I have a fresh understanding of life and people, which, as stated earlier, is non-judgmental. And now I’m ready to look at my past mistakes and realize they were also for a purpose. That purpose I don’t know yet, but I am looking forward to seeing what it is.

Tomorrow is my 52nd birthday and the start of a beautiful journey. I expect to be posting more often with these revelations.

Be well.
Lori

It’s been four months since I last wrote so it’s time for an update.  Everything has been going as planned and I am thrilled about it.  I can’t remember what clever way I described what I had been through in 2020 but I remember saying I was entering 2021 as if walking through the amusement park with a toolbox in order to maintenance the rides, so-to-speak.  I believe that meant doing inner work on myself  in order to not breakdown or make the same mistakes of the past, in the future.  

I haven’t really done anything to write about.  I haven’t enrolled in any programs, taken any courses, seen any doctors or therapists- nothing.  I have just been sitting in my own space with myself.  Some days I have watched endless Netflix, some days I organized my storage spaces in my apartment, some days I just sat in the silence.  Many times I went to bed early and stayed in bed until the next day.  I don’t fight it.  I figure my body needs the rest. I listened to the aches and pains in my body and changed things to aide their recovery.  I removed anything from eyesight that brought negative thoughts or memories from the last year.  I bought plants and continually buy flowers.  I let my nails heal from the damage of acryllic  nails and now my own nails are healthy and polished by me and look just fine. 

There is one big change that has happened.  I now love to cook. I believe that by taking these steps to love myself better, I realized how important it is to feed myself right.  By right I mean, healthy for me.  This has taken some work though.  I had such messed up thinking about food from years of psychological trauma regarding food that I had to reprogram my brain.  Once I did, I realized that by creating recipes and preparing the meals for myself, I was actually loving myself.   It is strange to me to walk through the store and select not the cheapest items, not the least fat items, not the zero carb items, not the vegan items or the keto items but the ingredients I need for the recipes I create.  I taught myself to buy the food I want for the sake of loving and nurturing my body with goodness. I seriously stood in front of the meat section, held a steak in my hand looking at the price $14 and had to tell myself it was okay to buy it for myself.  I had to tell myself I was worth it.  Now I don’t even look at the prices.  I just get what I need and do not think about the price.  What a difference!!!  

It seems the more I write the more I realize I have something to say.  

I have also been restoring my relationship with God on my terms, meaning not according to anyone else’s expectations or rules of faith.  And quite honestly, it is refreshing!  I have been praying again and it’s good for me. I’ll leave it at that for now.  

Two things left to touch upon and this blog post will be finished.  Black Lives Mattering and the vaccine have been hard hitting in 2021, as separate topics of course.  I am not an advocate of vaccines by any length.  I do not get the flu shot, and wouldn’t get any shots if some form of government didn’t require it.  My health insurance will lower my monthly rates if I do whatever they tell me, so I had to get the shingles vaccine.  The government says I can’t travel without the covid vaccine and I sure don’t want to be grounded forever.  So as much as I did not want to get whatever poison they put in my arms, I got the shots. Just yesterday the CDC announced that anyone who is fully vaccinated for Covid can now go outside without a mask.  Just think about that for a minute.  This is 2021 and this is what is happening.  WOW.  Just crazy stuff.

My whole heart aches and weeps and is torn up by the extreme violence against Black Americans in the United States. I am stunned by the opinions of people I know who do not seem to understand the hate they are speaking when they defend the oppressors.  I have lost respect for people I know, have asked customers to leave the store for their disrespect of Black Lives lost to police violence, have reached out and helped where I can, and have loved where there is a need.  To be honest, I am surrounded by people who do not feel as I do and it is sad and scary.  To think that one human does not value the life of another human and thinks it’s justifiable that other human lives have been taken by force- is just sickening.  I cannot speak on this anymore.  I see you and I have lost respect for you. We are not the same.

Overall, the last four months have been beneficial to my healing, growth, and understanding of myself and my life choices.  I know me a little better now.  As the pandemic in America slowly gets better and people slowly get back to life outdoors and everywhere else, I plan on staying home.  People are fed up with the isolation they’ve experienced, they’re tired of being home, they have lots of energy to get out and have a good time.  You can see these people on the roads and in the stores and everywhere -in a hurry and impatient.  I don’t want to be around those people.  I have been working with the public through the entire pandemic and I could use some therapeutic isolation.  I am loving it so far.  Today I did some research on traveling outside of the US and it is not possible.   The pandemic is global and it is not getting better in other countries.  I wanted to travel to a remote location, somewhere tropical, but it seems as that won’t happen in 2021.  It’s okay with me.  I will find things to keep me well.  Plus, I have my children in my life and things are great with us.  

Life is good.  

It took a ride on an experimental roller coaster for me to figure out that I need to modify the type of adventure I seek. I walked into 2020 confident about my motives, unsure about the execution, and curious about the outcome of all that I set out to achieve. Not only did Covid shut down much of 2020, after trial and error, I had to shut down much of my own personal experiments. Let me explain.

I’m referring to personal choices of 2020 as “experiments” because I tried something new, tried to navigate through it, didn’t like it, and ended up shutting it down. Then I tried again but the same process happened. It became a pattern which I then observed as a greater experiment. This took me straight to the end of December. As I sit here on January 3rd of 2021 looking back over the last year trying to analyze the sum of all of my actions I realize something I hadn’t before. I’m not ready for the roller coaster yet.

I was hooked on the exhilaration of the ride but not ready for the maintenance of the equipment. I tried everything I knew to keep it moving and keep it fun but I discovered that I have no idea how to keep it functioning properly. Eventually equipment needs deep servicing and that’s what I need as well. I can’t keep riding wild roller coasters without taking care of the deep inner workings of my heart and soul.

It’s been a week so far that I’ve been silent. Sitting for hours in silence listening to my inner workings. I’ve randomly watched documentaries and movies and just letting the messages seep into my mind. I know this sounds weird and all but this is honestly the way I process life. Our physical bodies are designed to filter out toxins and I believe our minds can as well.

I don’t have the answers today. I am not even trying to find them right now. I do know that I am not ready to ride any rides, go on any adventures or seek any type of sensory satisfaction. I am going to do some deep work on my inner self. I don’t know exactly what that means yet as I have no itinerary.

This post serves as a launch pad to document my progress over 2021. Last year it was to create a poetry space and I did. I know that I will achieve whatever I set my mind to do. This year I am silencing the outside chatter, putting away the credit cards, not making any resolutions, and walking through the amusement park with a tool box in my hand.

I want the thrill of the ride, believe me I do, but I don’t want to find myself on a ride that is broken while I am in the middle of enjoying it. I don’t know how long it will take. I don’t know what I will find. I don’t know if I am able to fix what might be broken. Maybe nothing is broken and maintenance is all I need.

This year I will be requiring tickets to access the park. Admission is not free and there are requirements to get in and for each ride. For some, it will be simply to walk with me, for others it will be to do some work, and yet for some or one it will be to ride the rides with me when they are ready. I learned that not everyone is entitled nor should everyone have access to this amusement park.

I look forward to whatever will be in 2021.

Tickets please.

How to navigate this space without being distracted is proving to be quite difficult. What space you might ask. Well, the space between my thoughts and my feelings. There it is. The place I love to dwell, the place I wish to converse with others, the place where mysteries are solved, theories are debated, and psychology is snack food.

I’m not the first to be here and certainly not the first to contemplate the gap, however, I am here and fighting. I want to be smart and make sound decisions, ones that will protect my best interests and keep me on the right path. Here we go- what path? to where?

Yet, my heart speaks louder than my mind. It rallies in protest and weeps in defeat all while desiring to rise in revolution. Lenny had it right when he said “Let Love Rule” and I sure wish I could. Love is dangerous though. Love is costly and wildly risky. I love yet do so in silence even though I recently wrote and spoke about loving openly and freely-I think I meant that in a broad sense.

Loving intimately is contrasty different. It requires allowing vulnerabilities to surface and weaknesses to be revealed. Loving intimately requires trust and that is something I have none of. How is trust born? How does it come into a relationship? I cannot for the life of me fathom such a thing. I fear I may never trust anyone, no one, not ever, never.

So what then is this love that I am trying to speak of? Who am I endeavoring to be intimately in love with yet at a distance? Can I say I love you yet stand far enough away to not get hurt? That’s what I want. That’s what I’m doing. Yeah, that’s me right now.

God for one is someone I love but feel the need to be a safe distance from. I have a hard time confessing this affection with my heart, yet, my head knows of the fact. So, is it still love? Oh the way this space between my head and heart confuses and stifles my growth. Here’s another thought- what if I choose to embrace intimate love and get hurt, will it forever scar me and prevent me from loving again? Is there any way to be safe in love?

I know He says he will never leave me nor forsake me and though my head knows this as fact, my heart felt broken and abandoned when my life came crashing down. Why do I cling to this? Am I trying to give Satan his due by allowing myself to hold this fear like a treasure? It sure seems that way.

Jump to loving a person. Do I feel the same fear with people? Well, in a sense, yes I do. I feel like love has its own mind and wants to express itself without my permission. I have been holding back “I love You’s” for some time. Once many months ago and now once again. It’s hella scary to admit you have loving feelings for someone. So, like with God, I just accept it as a fact in my mind and keep it behind my teeth unspoken.

It is what it is and until I can navigate this path, I will just leave this here as a declaration of love in its existence. That’s it. Like a matter of fact. End of story.